There are certain songs I’ve heard lately that have struck some buried cable in my mind. I thought you buried things to get rid of them, to move them out of the way. Out of sight, out of mind’s the way it goes right? Perhaps in doing my best to bury everything, I only dug the hole that became the birthing place for a seed of something far greater, something even more unconquerable than what I already faced. What am I talking about? Read on and see…
“I warned you what could happen if you should decide to live your life from the 9 to 5 … they found a way to reassure you that everything would be okay. Reach out today now I implore you to remember who you are. Return to days when you knew you still felt alive. Reveal the way you felt when you could look inside… Break the walls between building atrophy causing all your problems to recede… Take back the beat in your heart, why fight when you can’t be bought?” – Atrophy by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
“You left behind hopes and dreams of a life left incomplete. You walked away from every thing you believed in when you wanted to change the world.” – Needles by Haste the Day
“ This paper posed as photographs. This promise snapped with time elapsed. You think you do, but you don’t know me at all. Last chance to find what we believe. I hope you save those you’ve deceived. You think you do, but you don’t know me at all. (You can’t hold your breath forever) ” – F-Stop by Sullivan
” I stared into oblivion and found my home. I stared into oblivion, and found my own reflection there.” – Into Oblivion (Reunion) by Funeral for a Friend
” Tell myself, on the ride home. Getting tired, hating all I’ve known. Holding on, like it’s all I have. Count me out, when it’s clear that I, find it hard to say. And you, find it hard to care.” – Different by Acceptance
I’ll just say it like this: I used to have dreams…dreams to change things, to make a difference. I used to care, not just about myself, but about others as well. I used to this, I used to that…I used to be a Christian. The point to note here is that I used to. I’m not now. I got tired, I got fed-up, I ran everything through my head and it came out as bullshit. I threw away God and everything in my life that I had associated with him. I left everything I knew behind and put on a new pair of shoes and headed out to wherever life would take me.
Ironically enough, it didn’t really take me anywhere. I’m stuck in stasis…no passion, no movement, no change. And I am wholly unsatisfied. In almost every way possible I feel unfilled, unnoticed, irrelevant. Sad to say, but I drown myself in World of Warcraft and whatever else I can get my hands on to distract me from the fact that when I have the time to think, all I can think about is how desolate, bored and miserable I feel.
I need a breath of fresh air, a chance to reinvent myself…a chance, just maybe, to reach heavenward again for the breath of change that lingers there. I can’t get off my feet to move, and I feel that it will take someone dragging me along, face down up a cliff, to get me anywhere. I can’t live like this. I’m mean, look at me…I sit down to spontaneously write, and all this emo bs comes out. That’s definitely NOT what I’m shooting for. So I’m turning my ass around, headed back to where I was, and doing everything I can to get out of this hell hole that I’ve buried myself in. I’d like to end off here with the finishing stanza from Different:
” I’m taking a chance, this could be different. This could be all I’m waiting for. Taking a chance, this could be different. This could be all I’m waiting for.”
