Two Lists of Twenty (Part 1)

I’ve spent the last month or so feeling like my life has ground to an undeniable halt. As I’ve thought and fought and struggled over and over to figure out what the heck is going on in my life, I’ve constantly been overcome with frustration. But I have discovered one thing…maybe something I already knew, but needed a good reminding of. The thing that drives me, keeps me motivated, moving, alive, thriving, the key to making my life feel fresh and new…is dreams. And currently, I have no dreams. Or perhaps I’ve just buried them and lost the motivation to pursue them. In an effort to reawaken these dreams, to get my life moving, to have a tangible idea of what dreams I do have…I’ve compiled this list. It’s not a list I grabbed off some website, and nor does it really have any rules. It is, simply, a list (in no particular order) of things that I want to accomplish. The “desires of my heart” you might say.

1. Learn to play the piano. Trust me, I’d love to be able to play every instrument out there (that comes later ), but for some reason, piano stands out above the rest. I think about playing the piano, and I can’t even explain the feeling.

2. Figure out whether I believe in a god who exists and is actively involved in my life, a god who exists and doesn’t do anything concerning me, or no god at all. Honestly, I go back and forth so many times it just gets on my nerves. I get doubting god and all that, but that’s not what I mean…I mean, just figuring out my fundamental belief and sticking with it.

3. Write a book. Fiction, non-Fiction, whatever. I don’t care…I want to write a BOOK…not just blogs or essays or whatever, but a full complete book. About anything. Or everything.

4. Acquire the look of the starving artist that I have in my head. Wow. I almost didn’t put that one. Studio, gear/instruments laid out everywhere. The jacket, the hat (which I’ve already got!). There’s a picture in my head, and I don’t know…it’s mad appealing to me.

5. Go to school for something. I don’t know what yet (although I have a few ideas), but I just want to go. Get my car paid off could go along with this one.

6. Find “that” girl. Yeah, you know the one.

7. LEARN JAPANESE AND MOVE TO JAPAN. Or at least visit. I’ll say again: learn Japanese and move to Japan. Watch anime. Visit the geek happy malls. Check out the Asian women. See the sights. Have all my preconceptions shattered. XD (‘cept the one about the women…that one can stay)

8. Be a songwriter. A mad crazy musician who can produce songs on the computer. Better at guitar. Can play several instruments. Including the sax again. Keyboards. Drums. Tecno stuff. I want it all.

9. Be able to watch anime RAW (without subs), listen to J-Music and understand what they’re saying, and be up to date on all that stuff. To know the popular artists, who they are, what their albums are…all that jazz. Watch the crazy music videos.

10. Get the World of Warcraft completely and totally out of my life. Period. No more. Go away addiction!

11. Find people who like to do stuff outside. And do stuff outside. Sports, gardening, raking, bike riding, walks, rain battles with cattails…whatever.

12. Get Photoshop back on my computer and start web designing again. God I miss that. Tons. I want to be making websites and banners and avatars again. To open up Photoshop and stare at 209483498587345 colors for an hour.

13. Become a more active part of my family. ‘Cause they need it as much as I do.

14. Get a job that doesn’t suck ass. A career that I’ll have loads and loads of fun with. Even if it doesn’t pay me in magical paychecks that give me everything I want…I’d rather be happy.

15. Two words: Road Trip. Cross-country, visiting all the friends/family I know along the way. Seeing the sights, and (this is coming from the me that believes god exists and does things in my life) seeing what amazing things God can do.

16. Get to the point in my life where I wake up 5/7 mornings excited about the day and everything it holds. And by the time the day is over, to look back and say I had an amazing day and that I did something to be proud of.

17. Watch 345023750893475739845 more awesome animes. Yes, it gets it’s own number. Why? Because I love it that much.

18. Break every inhibition I have and live life the way I want to. Not the way I feel like I have to or the way people want me to…to just be me, for better or worse.

19. I want to make someone laugh every single day. I know that doesn’t really fit into this type of list, but hey, there’s no rules anyway. I want to make someone’s day every day…to convince someone that life is worth living by living.

20. This last one is pretty random, and I can’t believe I didn’t remember it until now. I want a cat. Yep, a cat. A indoor/outdoor pet cat (gender doesn’t really matter) that I can give some random japanese/anime name and chill with when I’m lazy.