Breaking a Wall, Part 1.

I’m so out of touch that I don’t even know where to start. I sit here for hours and just think and think and think…and still, I wind up staring around and wondering where all the soul, all the passion in me went. Did I hide it somewhere for later? Did I lose it and just never notice? What happened? I search my past and try to figure it out, but my mind draws a blank. In fact, that seems to be the only thing my mind is drawing lately…nothing. It’s as if I’ve gone from being the wielder of a pen, drawing dreams and visions with hope as my ink and inspiration as my paper, a creator, to a mindless child brandishing an eraser and destroying beauty without even realizing what it is. I’ve slowly but surely been erasing my life.

I keep doing all this random stuff on impulse in an attempt to find out what’s real, what’s truth…to find a way out. I’ll sporadically draw, write, sing, play guitar, go for a walk…all this stuff on impulse. It’s like I try to jump at every opportunity to feel real, to feel alive. But I’m drawing everything in pencil, everything is temporary, filled with extreme highs and lows. There are all these grand, sweeping gestures inside of me. Like I’m on a giant swing or something. I don’t understand what’s going on. I don’t understand why I have to be let down so much. I’m tired of trying and trying. What am I doing wrong?

I keep telling myself that I’m a sinner. But I’m not…I was a sinner. I still sin, but I’m forgiven. I keep telling myself that I’m not passionate, that I just don’t care…but that’s not true either, I do care, so much that I sit here miserable because I know there’s something wrong. I’m trying to convince myself that I’m not hurting when my world is pain and disappointment. I’m gonna make it, I say, while wondering how I’m “gonna make it” when I can’t even move. Maybe I’ll just sit here miserable and hope that one day something will change. I’ll pray that something saves me. I feel horribly trapped. I feel like, if a door would just open, I might be able to get the hell out of where I am.

The only thing that holds me anymore is music. I don’t feel like I’m close to any of my friends anymore. I feel outcast, like I’m an outsider to their lives, and they don’t want anything to do with mine. When all I want to do is give up, I turn on some music, and it doesn’t really matter what or who it is, something stirs inside me and for a while, I feel alive. But it’s not enough.

Where are you at? Right here with me? Right here with me, but silent and asleep? I can’t live on just the thoughts in my head and the words from people around me anymore. They aren’t enough. The you I have isn’t enough. More, more, more, more. Take me somewhere. Take me on a journey towards something unbelievable. Push me towards amazing. Drag me through unwilling. Challenge my fear…do something. Be a God that moves and breathes. Existing isn’t enough anymore…for you, or me. I don’t care whether you exist or not, I care about whether you’re a God that not only exists, but moves, changes, gives, takes, breathes, speaks, laughs, cries, loves…truly loves. And I don’t care whether or not I exist anymore…the way it is, there’s no point…I’m a vegetable, wasting away in my house. Killing days, killing time, killing myself.

I don’t even honestly believe that you’ll do anything anymore. But I can hope. I can decide to love you anyway. It doesn’t make any sense to me…why love someone who’s just there and doesn’t really do much? And yet, I do it with some of my friends every day, love them just because they’re there, even if I don’t “get” anything out of it. In fact, that’s what was pissing me off about people…being so selfish that nothing was worth any effort unless they got something out of it…even if it did end up helping someone. Wow, that’s me. That’s me when it comes to you. Wow, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. Haha…I’m an idiot.

XD That’s a good note to end on I think. Thanks. You always make me look retarded…but it’s ’cause you love me and want me to learn. Sorry for being oblivious 90% of the time.