So I wrote my first list. The list of my aspirations. I look it over and know that if I ever had goals, if I ever had dreams, then that list tells the tale of those dreams. There’s a stirring of excitement in my chest when I look at it. A feeling of hope that soars into my lungs and makes me breathe life in the midst of a room full of apathy and decay. A cool drop of water on a tongue starved of moisture. My midsummer’s rain. But even so, I have yet to overcome.
You know how when you go to a Chinese restaurant they always have those little paper place mats that tell you what animal you’d be in a box of animal crackers? Or something like that anyway. They’re based on the Chinese Zodiac (as far as I know) that rotates through a cycle of animals every year, one year it’s “The Year of the Tiger”, and the following year it may be “The Year of the Boar”, etc. When I think about that, I kinda see those animals as the “gods” or deities for that year. Whichever animal is up dominates the overall feel of the year, influencing it more than anything else, it’s a thread that runs the course of every experience had throughout the year. Looking back over this past year, I tried to think of the one thought, the one underlying feeling that could best describe how I’ve come to see the events that have occurred in my recent past. It wasn’t the year of the joyous that popped into my head, nor the mellow, angry, etc. It was The Year of the Conquered.
It’s as if I started the year cocky, over-confident, and totally secure…and now, I have been greatly humbled. I’ve been reminded of who I am when my head’s on straight. My perception of life has completely changed. I’ve had good times, bad times…just times, yet in every instance, I have been conquered. This year has chipped away at everything I’ve built myself up to be. It’s shattered hopes, torn apart “dreams”, completely destroyed my plans and my “routine”. Haha. I went from the man that had no need of conquering the world, to a robotic zombie the world had deemed fit for conquering.
Jesus I’m tired of writing “fancy” crap. Let’s simplify this.
The Year if the Conquered wiped Schyler off the face of the Earth and replaced him with an empty shell. So far all that’s happened is this shell has lived day to day life not doing anything worth a shit…eating, sleeping, attaching itself to mindless entertainment. One day the shell stepped outside (a rare occurrence in itself), looked at the sky and said to itself “There’s gotta be more…I remember there being more than this.” That sparked a flame within that shell which has sat dormant for a while and is waiting for whatever it takes to fuel that fire and burn the shell away. Once the shell is gone, I will remain.
Being conquered is something that I wasn’t concerned about. Conquered is what I have become. Conquerer is what I will become. I am the fuel for that fire. I am the inspiration, motivation, determination that will replace an empty shell with the man that I want to be. Here’s to the reckless destruction of life as I’ve know it. For real this time. For real, for real.
That didn’t really get much simpler did it? I guess complication runs in my blood. xD
), but for some reason, piano stands out above the rest. I think about playing the piano, and I can’t even explain the feeling.